Churnings...

Not sleeping much tonight. Not sure why. Too much Coke & Koala (see next post) ? Anyway, the issue churning in my mind tonight is the concept of "Paucity of Spirit."

I feel I keep crashing into this paucity in various ways: with clients, students, peers, sometimes even in friends and family. The idea of being in community, in any real sense - large or even small, seems to be evaporating. The instinctive inclination towards real benevolence, to help, even at a cost to oneself, when one sees or hears of a need, seems to have lost a lot of ground, except perhaps in "institutionalized" and sterile ways; "Send $20 and feel better." Maybe that instinct to care for and help others got gobbled up by our twin "needs" for more "money" and for "leisure."

It seems odd that when I see or experience the opposite -- open handed generosity such as I experienced this past weekend from someone I barely know -- it catches me off-gaurd and pretty much overwhelms me. Then, the realization of my shock, saddens me. Why am I so surprised? It shouldn't be so unusual. But yet, it is...... at least in my world.

More often I feel like the rules of the game changed and no one told me. Worse still, I keep trying to play by the rules that I know and cherish and then I feel suckered. I've played my chips once again to benefit someone or other, only to find a turned back once their need is met. In my shock and hurt I may even think I hear others snicker at my naiveté. It's a maze I want to escape but as I look around, I fear it is bigger than my own small world. Perhaps it is endemic, or worse yet, epidemic.

The concept of mutuality is important. Mutuality is key. Who wants to play in a game of "Give & Give"? Which equals "Take & Take" and adds up to " loss." Who wants to "give 'til it hurts" and then share a request for help only to be met with silence? Or have your needs held against you or used later in a game of one-upsmanship? At times I have withdrawn into my own cocoon of self-sufficiency. It really stinks in there. Oh sure, I'm technically OK there. I can even be really good at it. But I am not happy or satisfied there. I want to scream, "This is so not me!"

But I am observant enough to know it is not just my experience, my small world where this is happening. Most of the time I have a big enough view to see beyond my personal experience of paucity. Then I think more broadly about people whose lives are almost exclusively lived in this way. People who are truly reliant on the generosity of others. This shift away from generosity and community care has got to be exponentially more damaging to them. I look to others for a sense of emotional and spiritual well-being. Others depend upon it for their survival. Yikes!!

Earlier in scanning the web for info for class prep I read this quote in some report somewhere:
"The blame also lies with the rich countries which, despite their rhetoric, refuse to look beyond their own short-term interest. Rich countries have the capacity to promote and champion the eradication of poverty across the globe. Their failure to do so reflects a paucity of spirit that offends the legacy of the founders of the United Nations."

The phrase "paucity of spirit" struck a chord in me. I felt my heart say, "I know this sickness! "

I don't know anything much about the founding of the UN but I do know about the foundations of my faith, where family and community and care for others (near and far) is central. If we can't get it right in small ways, day in and day out, how will we ever get it right on any larger scale? I've tried to live my life this way. Tried to model it for those in my world, tired to inspire it in others. Yet, I often feel like I'm slipping backwards in the climb. It's a feeling I keep fighting, but a battle I sometimes fear I may yet loose.

On a more hopeful and somewhat broader note: Can this tide of paucity be turned around? Call me naive; despite my above stated fears, I still have hope. I think that is why I am drawn to the work of Community Service Learning. I have a hope, a belief, maybe it is a dream, that deeply involving college students in community work might uproot this weed of paucity. Far fetched? I hope not. I must keep climbing - with or without the others. Something has to give.